


Hulk SMISH

by ariadne83



Series: Hulk SMISH [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-16
Updated: 2012-06-16
Packaged: 2017-11-07 20:45:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/435258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariadne83/pseuds/ariadne83
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony has a fourteen-step plan for getting Bruce to go on a date with him. This... was not part of it, but he's nothing if not adaptable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hulk SMISH

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dancinbutterfly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancinbutterfly/gifts).



> Thanks as always to somehowunbroken for the lightening fast beta. 
> 
> And HAPPY BIRTHDAY, dancinbutterfly!

Tony wakes up with dust in his mouth and a very strong, very large hand petting his head. He cracks open one eye; there's a hole in his bedroom wall that wasn't there when he went to bed last night. This morning. Whatever. At least, he's pretty sure it wasn't there, and he was relatively sober, so.

"What happened?"

"Hulk smash," the big green guy says sorrowfully, still petting Tony's head like he's a damn kitten.

"I can see that. Any particular reason why you broke into my room? Or why you're _still_ in my room?" Not that he minds when it's Bruce. In fact, Bruce's company is something Tony plots and schemes to get as much of as humanly possible, relatively speaking. He's aware that his idea of spending "a lot" of time with someone doesn't match up to most people's; that was the main reason Pepper left him in the end.

Focus, Tony. Hulk in your room. Hulk in your _bed_. This was the not the outcome you planned for.

Hulk extends a big green finger and very carefully touches his cheek. "Sad."

"You were sad, buddy? Well, then you came to the right place. Stark's house of fun is open for-"

Hulk grunts, cutting him off. "Sad," he repeats, poking Tony's face a little harder this time. "Yell."

Ah. Nightmares, then. Nightmares bad enough for other people in the house to hear, which is... embarrassing. Nightmares which made Bruce Hulk out and come running, and isn't that interesting? Definitely something to factor into his plan.

Hulk resumes petting Tony's head.

"Right, thanks, that's very... soothing. Do you think I could talk to the other guy? Just for a minute? Only I'm not one hundred percent sure this bed is engineered for your, ah, girth." That is a lie. This bed could happily contain all twelve of this year's Maxim models, plus Tony, plus however many champagne bottle they might require. Theoretically. If that were still the kind of thing Tony’s inclined to do when he's bored.

Hulk scowls.

"Come on, don't tell me you don't trust _yourself_. Other you. Science nerd you, my good friend Bruce."

Hulk just grumbles and pulls Tony against his chest, cuddled close.

"Hey, I'm not saying that I mind all the touching. You know me, I touch people all the time. But see the other thing I do all the time is talk, and when you're like this you can't talk back. And apparently that's a Thing for me now - I like making people talk back."

It'd been one of the best and worst things Pepper taught him while they were together: how to listen to other people. Best because in the end it made Tony's life easier; worst because when she was gone, there was this _hole_ in his life where human communication used to be. Who knew? But maudlin as he is - and Tony always is, a little, in the privacy of his own head - he finds himself relaxing. Letting his muscles go loose, because lets face it, his body couldn’t help him get away even if he wanted to. Even if he wasn't, apparently, unperturbed by the giant green rage monster going all Coco the gorilla on him.

Hulk brings his head down, snuffling Tony's hair loudly like a pig hunting for truffles. It's ridiculous, and it kinda tickles. Which is how Tony finds himself giggling into the Hulk's chest. Giggling turns into deep, hiccup-causing belly laughs that make it hurt a little to breathe. He's cuddling. With the Hulk. His shoulders shake, and he has to curl over to ease his aching stomach. Has to press closer to the Hulk's gamma-warm skin. Big, burly, green arms swoop around him, dwarfing Tony's body, and it's hysterical, it really is. There's a hole in the wall, and Tony could see out into the hallway if Hulk were inclined to let him. _Anyone_ could be standing there. Cap- Jesus, the look on Cap's face if he could see this...

Tony's crying now, he's laughing so hard, and eventually he hears a rumbling noise which turns out to be Hulk's attempt at joining in. They snort and guffaw and shake together until suddenly the body next to Tony starts to shrink. Bruce's hands slide over Tony's skin as his arms shorten and his hands return to scientist-size - the kind of hands that could easily hold a pipette without crushing it to dust. Bruce is still laughing as he changes, laughing as his slumps, exhausted, against Tony.

"Sorry, I- He's never done that before."

"This is true. I'm pretty sure I'd remember. But for the record: he is you, and you know what that means. You like me, you really like me!"

"Hmm, maybe."

"No maybes about it. You smashed in here to rescue me from my brain, and then you climbed into my bed to be my personal teddy bear."

"We're scientists, Tony. You know better than to draw a conclusion from a single data point."

"So what you're saying is, we need to experiment more." Don't have to tell Tony twice; he draws back and plants a firm kiss on Bruce's mouth. He's skipping ahead to step six of fourteen in The Plan, but signs are good that it's the right call. They’re really more guidelines than steps in a plan, anyway, and Tony'd carried out step one - poke Bruce at random so he'll get used to Tony touching him - before he consciously realized it _was_ step one.

Bruce sighs, a quiet, content little sound, and Tony mentally scrubs step seven (apologize profusely and hide until Bruce de-Hulks) from the list.

"So in theory, if I did, uh, like you, there's still- I haven't- God, I sucked at having this talk when I was sixteen and I suck even more at it now," Bruce says shakily.

"You do like me. And I like you. Not everyone gets access to my own personal lab."

He kisses Bruce again, longer this time to show that he means it (bravo, step eight), and flicks his tongue out to tease him just a little because Tony is incapable of not putting his all into a kiss. And Tony's excellent kissing pays dividends, as per usual: in no time Bruce is kissing him back, slow and careful. It's good, fine, excellent; Tony can work with slow. Slow is a good start. At least, it is until Bruce pulls away.

"Tony, I... What are you doing? What do you want?"

Tony presses their noses together and just breathes for a while. Think, Anthony. Do this right.

"Right now, I want breakfast. What happens after that is up to you."

"Breakfast?" Bruce says doubtfully. Tony can feel him frown, because he scrunches up his entire face. It's impossibly adorable.

"I'm reliably informed it's this thing where people eat food in the morning."

"Oh, OK." Bruce huffs out a laugh; Tony resists the impulse to crow in victory.

"OK? Alright then, let's go. Right now. I know this great little bistro on-"

"Tony."

Uh-oh. That's the *flat* voice. Tony doesn't like the flat voice; he likes pizazz, a little joie de vivre.

"I'm kind of naked."

"We can fix that." Temporarily, of course. Quite possibly the only time in Tony's entire life when he's wanted to create a fix that's non-permanent. They're skipping steps again, skating right over to #11 - get Bruce into Tony's pants, literally - but honestly, Tony didn't expect things to go so well so quickly. He may have over-engineered the plan just a little. Doesn't matter, because now Tony's picturing Bruce in one of his faded Black Sabbath T-shirts and his MIT hoodie, slouching around in Tony's suit pants in a way that would make Tony's tailor scream.

He _wants_. More than he wanted to give Pepper his company, more than he wanted to stick Rhodey in a suit of his very own, Tony wants to play dress-up with Bruce. Dress up then undress, and kiss all over. Although he probably should stick to his promise and take Bruce out to breakfast somewhere in between point A and point B. And maybe (ugh) talk to him about where this is going _before_ it goes where Tony wants it to go, because being a grown up in a real relationship means having the difficult conversations. Playing keep-away with his innermost thoughts and emotions (oh dear lord, he's starting to sound like Dr. Phil) only makes things fall apart faster.

And he _really_ owes Pepper another apology.

"I have shirts, socks, everything a guy could need."

Bruce laughs again. "I live three floors down."

"Too far." Tony winces. He hadn't meant to say that out loud, but apparently Bruce brings out the ridiculous in him. "I mean, do you really wanna do the Hulk-walk of shame back to the elevator when I have clothes right here? And then if you're already dressed, it's just more efficient to- Stay. I want you to stay. You asked me what I want? That's it. I want you with me."

"Me," Bruce repeats. "Tony, I haven't- I don't even know if I can- I used to Hulk out when my blood pressure got too high. For any reason."

"Key words: used to, before you let Sterns use you as a guinea pig. Have you tested the limits of your control since then? Because it looks to me like you’re doing better. Besides, even if you do turn green apparently I can cuddle you into submission."

"You really want to risk your life just to get laid?"

" _What_ risk? You smashed in here to _rescue me from my brain_ , remember? And then you played with my hair." Tony returns the favor, sliding a hand up to the nape of Bruce's neck and tugging at the curls. "When have I ever given up on what I want just because other people think it can't be done? I'm Tony Stark."

"Even you can get in over your head."

"Nope. Not thus far." Not even when Tony and Yinsen were facing the daily threat of torture was Tony in over his head. A boyfriend in a bad mood is nothing. Tony always has a plan, a strategy, a way out. Even if there's only a very slim chance of survival, the margin is still there. He's known it for certain ever since he woke up on the rooftop and Obadiah was dead, and Tony wasn't. Push the button. Cut the wire. Deliver the bomb and hope you have enough air to make it back through the wormhole alive, before it collapses.Taking a chance on Bruce is *nothing*; it comes so easily it's like breathing. Or doing calculus. He cards his fingers through Bruce's hair and puts on his Very Best, Most Sincere face.

"Your emo doesn't impress me. So you're messed up; join the club. None of us would be heroes if we were perfectly well-adjusted. What we _can_ do is weird enough; what we choose to do is nuts. But it's who we are, and more specifically I like who you are."

Bruce breathes in shakily and presses his forehead to Tony's. "Breakfast, huh?"

"Yes. You, dressed, me, also dressed, and then food."

"Sounds like you've got this all planned out. What am I wearing in this scenario?"

"I'm glad you asked." Tony rolls out of bed and starts pawing through the giant basket of clothes in front of the cupboard. "This is all clean I promise, just, the housekeeper had to take the day off for her son's birthday and I promised I wouldn't wreck her system."

He tosses Bruce boxers and socks without thinking much, grabs a Black Sabbath T-shirt and an old pair of jeans when he finds them, and then the piece de resistance appears: Tony's hoodie.

Bruce snorts. "I didn't go to MIT. Everyone's going to know this is yours."

"That's the plan. I knew I liked your brain." He likes Bruce's everything, that's why he came up with the plan. And why he modified it to step up completion, now that he knows Big Green is on board.

"You might as well hang a sign on my back. 'Hey, tabloids, come and get us!' That really what you want?"

"They'll come get us anyway. It's me." The truly unknown variable here isn't the Hulk, it's Tony Stark: mega celebrity. It's whether Bruce can juggle hero Tony with with business Tony with public figure Tony. And whether there's enough left over at the end of the day for either of them to be a private figure. He'd never found that balance with Pepper. Stark Industries had crept into their personal lives so much she couldn't take it in the end; it was slowly killing her. And walking away from the company but not the relationship would've been a waste of time because Tony is still Tony, and he always brings work home. Besides which, Pepper loves her job, she's amazing at it, and she deserves it. Just like she deserves to be with someone who has an off switch.

"Maybe not, if I show them a little green."

Tony blinks. Bruce sounds... amused. Is that- Is he making a _joke_? Tony narrows his eyes, and moves back to the bed to get a closer look. Sure enough, he's _smirking_ , his eyes bright with what can only be described as mischief. Fucking _fantastic_.

"You got me. I only want you for your unique ability to smash cameras.”

"What about freedom of the press? Right to assembly? Free speech?"

"Oooh baby, talk nerdy to me."

Bruce laughs in his face - Tony chalks that up as a win - and drags him in for a brief kiss, just a smack of lips. "Not on an empty stomach. It takes a lot of calories to be this sharp."

And now he's bragging. Clearly Tony's influence these past months has been a force for great good.

“Your lips say no but- Well, there are several parts of you saying yes, the most obvious of which is _also_ your lips.” Tony drags his thumb over Bruce’s mouth to make his point. He’s not at all surprised when Bruce flicks his tongue out for a taste: the man’s been putting things that Tony offers him in his mouth ever since they first met.

Not helping; that line of thought is not helping _at all_.

Then Bruce bites him, which isn’t all that helpful either, according to Tony’s dick, but at least the sharp sensation jolts his brain out of the loop of _yes-yes-yes, now-fucking-now_. Breakfast. Talking. Being grown-ups.

“OK, I’m just going to go somewhere that isn’t here and get dressed. I can’t believe I’m saying this but if you could not be naked when I get back that’d be great. Well, not _great_ , because seriously, look at you, but- Helpful. If you actually want to make it out of here and get real food.”

Bruce’s stomach grumbles loudly, right on cue. “I can manage that,” he says, smiling wryly.

“Good. I’m just gonna...” Tony retreats back to a safe distance and scoops up the basket of clean laundry. “See you soon. I’ll be seeing less of you, but I’m pretty sure the trade-off will be worth it.”

He turns on his heel and clambers out through the hole in the wall, Bruce’s gentle laughter floating after him. This could be the beginning of a beautiful- Oh god, Tony’s brain is in Casablanca mode. Good thing he got out of there before things got sappy. With any luck there’ll be plenty of time for Bruce to find out Tony’s shameful secrets, and for Tony discover a few of Bruce’s to keep close to the vest in case of emergency.

Well, luck, foresight, and a whole lot of planning. He is, after all, now and always Tony Stark.


End file.
